Thoughts of Ending My Life

Last night, I had the most wonderful time in my life. I was at Casin0 Filipino Hotel with Janette Toral, the Negros Bloggers, the Iloilo Bloggers, and many other people that who were into blogging and interested to start a blog. Though we hoped that there would be 100 plus guests, we only had 63 but I think it was a great success!

Anyway, despite of my happiness and enthusiasm, I went home early because I was not feeling well already. My head hurts and so as my back. I got aches all over my body and I can’t explain it why. I didn’t even tell my husband or my friends because I wanted everyone to be happy and stay happy for the evening.

When we arrived home, my husband already told me that he was going out to our neighbor. He said he will get a drink and be home by 12mn. So I said to him that he always make promises and each of that were all broken. He said, I will not break it this time and I will be here 12mn. So, he left instantly and he said I will just call him if it’s already 12mn.

After that, I went upstairs bring all the goodies I got from the event. The children were very happy as they plundered the goodies. Since my husband and I won, both of them got each bag of goodies. Then after they have checked out what they have gotten, I have instructed them to prepare for bed as they were both having colds and I was having terrible pain all over me. I was glad my children was cooperative this time, they don’t usually sleep early especially during weekends. After a few minutes, we tuck ourselves to bed and I set my alarm clock at 12mn so that I can call my husband.

About an hour and a half passed, the alarm clock rang. So, I texted my husband that it’s already 12mn and he need to start heading home. I went back to sleep and a few minutes later because of my persisting headache, I was awakened. I immediately checked my mobile phone if there was a reply. Since there was not even a single text, I called my husband. He immediately answered. He was not that drunk as I was expecting him to be but he talked well enough to tell me that I should go back to sleep and he will be heading home soon. In my call, I also emphasized that he needs to be home now because I am feeling a terrible pain and the kids were also sick. He agreed.

After the call, I closed my eyes and hoped that my aches will vanish but it didn’t. So I stood up and went downstairs took a paracetamol. I looked at the wall and it says it was already approaching two o’clock in the morning. So I decided to go outside and head to my former boarding house to fetch my husband, besides it was only a few houses away from us. When I arrived, I found three grown men drinking but none of them is my husband. So, I asked them where is he. The three of them replied that my husband indeed went there took one shot and left them telling that he was going to ask permission from me. After that, he never came back.

So furious and shocked inside, I hurried back at home. My heart was pumping fast because of the rage and turmoil I was feeling. I felt my blood turning warm as my whole body was escalating in anger! When I got home, I immediately grabbed my mobile phone and called him. To my biggest disappointment, my husband was out of coverage area!! He turned off his freaking phone! Because I couldn’t contain myself, I started crying and calling out to God to rescue me from the hurt I am going through. My whole body was already feeling insurmountable pain and now my emotions where beating me up so hard! I was utterly devastated!

Because of all the pain I am feeling both in my physical and emotional being, all thoughts went rushing in…negative, positive, negative, positive, negative. It wouldn’t stop! I thought of killing myself but my conscience told me that my children and the baby inside needed me. I wanted to run away but how? I don’t have enough money to start a place for me and my kids. I was so full of bitterness that I don’t know what to do. I texted my husband twice with hateful words telling him that I wanted a separation. If he can’t live with me or he can’t live without his lies and deceit, it’s better for us to be separated!

Now as I am typing this post, I am contemplating of moving out. I don’t know how since I don’t have the resources and I am currently amidst financial struggles. I wanted to rent out a small place somewhere near my children’s school and to start living separately with him. I don’t want to go back to my parents in our hometown because aside from that I don’t have any future there, my heart to help the community here in Bacolod is already strong and I know my financial luck is lurking here somewhere. Besides that will hurt my children as I move them out in the midst of a school year.

Anyway, instead of solutions, I am faced with many questions. Where will I live? Where will I get the money to initially rent out a small place, to transfer my internet connection so that I can continue looking for ways to earn a living online, and to initially start our living expenses away from him? I am not saying that I wanted to end our marriage 100% but all I am saying is that I want to move out and think about myself and my children for awhile. I wanted to start something new and this time without him, maybe my luck will just flow inside me.

Last night, I felt like I was part of something big and worth my time when I was in the event but when I am at home, I don’t feel anything special about me. I felt abused, used, unloved, unappreciated but still hopeful that someday my husband would look at me and say that he is sorry and that he will be missing something special if he loosed me from his arms. But unfortunately…I think it will never happen. I don’t want to feel hopeless but to be honest, I already am. My thoughts of God are the only thing that is keeping me sane right now; keeping me from the thoughts of killing myself and ending this bitter life.

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